You’re sitting on the couch, Rick and Morty plays in the background, to compliment your bong, which is eloquently sheathed in the most crude, primitive Rick-and-Morty art physically possible. As you prove your love to Justin Roiland, you begin to ponder what cartoon the synonymous stoner show was before 2013. What other cartoon could possibly have covered all smoking paraphernalia until then? You’ll need to research that later. Instead pack a small bowl and take it. Flick your lighter on, this will not be merciful. Breathe deep. Light. The brown and green flash red and slowly at first, smoothly snaps. When you finish exhaling and let the smoke go, you can feel it in your throat that the airflow let you down. Yikes. It’s that time of the week again, you’ve just coughed your lungs out and you know: It’s time to clean the bong.
As a precursor to this tutorial, I must explain the mechanics. There are 3 components to your standard bong (emphasis on standard, as there are many different types, i.e. Percolator, bubbler, etc.): The bong itself, has the chamber, opening into the mouthpiece. The base, which is just the bottom of the bong, that rests on your surface. And the joint, which is where your downstem sits. The downstem is the second component, this is the piece that the bowl rests in. It is one of the most important parts, as it helps to provide better suction, by pulling the smoke into the bongwater. I do not know what we’d do without it, so I won’t ask the silly question . Lastly is the bowl, which is where you pack and light your chop. They are typically all made of glass, unless you get silicon or some other godforsaken material. So, if you don’t want your bong, your heart, or your skin shattering, proceed cautiously.
The first thing to make sure you’re constantly doing during this process is being careful. You’re handling the glass equivalent of a newborn baby. As long as you remember to ‘drive like your kids live here’, you’re good to go. First things first, grab your bong and go somewhere with a sink, preferably the bathroom, but the kitchen works too as a last resort. As I always say, sorry for cleaning my bong in the kitchen sink. Then you are going to gather all of your materials: 420 Bong Cleaner, rubbing alcohol, Q-tips, and paper towels. First, rip some paper towels and fold them about 4/5 times until no longer malleable, so that they’re in little squares, this will be important later. Now that you have what you need, go outside and pour out the bongwater. Outside is ideal, so the gunk doesn’t stick to your white sink-but not crucial, just get rid of theold bongwater. Don’t drink it though. And if you were planning on drinking it before, you definitely shouldn’t drink it now. Make sure you’ve vetted out as much bongwater as possible. My boyfriend likes to flush it down the toilet, I do find it leaves the least mess. Now pour your 420 cleaner in the bong, try to keep it on a crystals>liquid ratio. The cleaner is basically just awfully sweet smelling blue liquid mixed with salt crystals for the optimal clean. Next pour some alcohol in, it saves the bong cleaner, and I find it helps. Take your paper towel squares from before and cover the holes with them. Now shake it like the world’s worst smoothie, but not like a polaroid picture. Should there still be gunk in it, keep at it. A minute is recommended but it really doesn’t take that long. My advice is to shake it until you start to come down. When the bong has been sufficiently waterboarded, look in the bong for leftover salt crystals that the water didn’t manage to flush out. Rinse until completely see through. Once you’ve made sure there is no pesky residue left in your bong, set it aside.
Next up is the downstem. First douse a paper towel in alcohol and, wipe down the whole outer perimeter of the downstem. For the cleanest clean, I’m talking mint condition, I like to let it sit in rubbing alcohol overnight. The next time you take the Q-tips to it, there will be little to no residue left on the glass from the thick layer of tar you will force out. It’s crazy to see actually. Makes you wish you could show your old chemistry teacher. If you opt to clean it by hand, you’ll need the Q-tips now. If the downstem is exceptionally dirty, you’ll want to use the q tip to force out the thick layer of gunk that has compacted in there, and definitely the causing of the lack of airflow. Push it down as much as you can with the Q-tip, and then rinse it with water. I’ve found hot water helps get more of it out. You’ll be left with the remainder that is clinging to the inside glass, which should be a very thin layer, leaving the downstem wide open and ready for use. To get off the last layer you would make two more paper towel squares and repeat the process you used on the bong. One thing to note is the downstem has a series of gills at the bottom, accompanying the main opening, so you’ll want to cover the bottom as tightly as you can. Fill with just alcohol as you need to be quick, cover, and shake furiously. Now you can go back in with an alcohol dipped Q-tip and scrape down the sides to try to eradicate all of the tar. It will take a while, so I always suggest letting it sit in alcohol for the cleanest clean.
The last piece you’ll want to clean is the bowl piece, if you have a village of them like me, this is a task I like to sit down with a movie and clean them all in one sitting. This is the process you will do least often as the bowl stays usable the longest, especially if you have a bunch of them. Another thing to note is that there are many types of bowl pieces. Two that I will discuss now are the standard and two most basic pieces you will see. I’ve scoured the internet for a real name for these different styles but for the life of me, it simply does not exist. So, you get the names I’ve graciously bestowed upon them. For one, you have the funnel piece, my bowl of choice. It is the simplest, and easiest to clean. You also have the hollow piece. These are harder to clean as the inside is… hollow. One way to clean these is to fill it with alcohol and shake it until you get as much of the sludge out that you can, then wipe down the rest. It works pretty well. For the funnel bowl, you just Q-tip and Q-tip and Q-tip around the circumference until it looks clear and new again.
Another point to bring up is cleanliness, I’m not talking bong cleanliness, I think we’ve had enough of that. I’m talking personal cleanliness, and I’m not saying anything needs to be sterilized. Just keep in mind that the goop is sticky, foul smelling, and pretty damn hard to get off. So, try as hard as you can to steer clear from it. Gloves could be a helpful option. I personally have never worn gloves, as it’s really not that messy, but they could definitely keep you even cleaner. It has an absolutely putrid smell, and it gets everywhere. So, rinse my hands with alcohol, then wash them if you get any on you, that’s the trick. One last thing I have recently come to do, is to wipe down the mouthpiece with alcohol after cleaning the bong, sometimes there is residue from pouring out the bongwater and it leaves the absolute worst taste on your lips. So, make sure to rub down the mouthpiece with alcohol, then water, so to not get a mouthful of alcohol instead.
Now for the best and worst part. Taking a bowl in your clean bong. Best because nothing is better than air going into your lungs, and worst because nothing is worse than dirtying something you’ve just cleaned. It is as rewarding as making your bed in the morning, since you’ll just crawl back into it at the end of the day and much it back up. It is the circle of cleaning. But it is going to be extremely worth it. Although I must say, sometimes I find it is too clean. Not to toot my own horn, but I often imagine working for Snoop Dogg and cleaning his bongs,but I also imagine that if you have enough money, like Snoop Dogg, you can cut out the middleman and just buy a new bong every time one gets too nasty.
Patience is a virtue. Whether you have 1 bowl (piece), or a myriad, this requires patience. The second dirtiest bong I have ever cleaned will always be in my heart, as it was my late father’s. I came home one day to my mom telling me she saw an old friend and he had kept one of my dad’s bongs all these years. I was ready to fight my brother to the death for it. Thankfully it was graciously given to me, partly because of my prowess in cleaning. It is a beautiful bong, and it looked brand new when I was done with it. When I sent my mom pictures of the cleaned product, she told me “OMG it looks so good. He would spend hours cleaning his guns. You have his patience. A great quality. Who would have thought I would give you your dad’s bong. Lord have mercy I am a bad mom!”
This was a "How-to" essay from my freshman year writing as art class. Our teacher prompted us "What is something you are so good at, you could teach a baby?" So.....yeah.
Go clean your bong.
Love you.
-Stoney
